You must be in America when...

1. You have a table you can't set anything on, a floor that can't get dirty, a yard you can't sit in, and shoes you can't walk in.

2. You buy fake snow to spray on your windows, then complain when it actually snows a couple inches.

3. Even the yogurt is not vegetarian.

4. Your passport is useless, but your entire life hinges around your Driver's License.

5. People offer to "give you a ride to your car."

6. Small is Medium, Medium is Large, and Large is Jumbo.


...more to come....

Tailgate party

My other car is an elephant
Kathmandu, Nepal

Indian bumpers and car-art used to have the names of the driver's or vehicle owner's favourite god ("Jai Sri Krishna," "Jai Mata Di" and so on). There is still a lot of this colourful devotional folk art on the roads. Car owners sport the name of their favourite deity or saint, the same way drivers in Tennessee emblazon the name of their favourite NASCAR driver.

Nowadays, though, they are just as likely to have the names of the vehicle owners themselves ("Ramesh and Priya"). Signs of the times.

While sitting in traffic for countless hours of my precious life that will never come again, I came up with a few that I thought were more realistic. No, you cannot steal them.

Some of these are in-jokes...but I'm too fed-up to explain them. (Why fed up? Don't ask, just don't ask.)

Since I still haven't figured out how to transfer these graphics to the blog, you can see the cool illustrated versions I created here. I said, NO, you cannot steal them.

1. GANESH IS MY CO-PILOT

2. WILL WORK FOR PRASAD

3. BABA ON BOARD

4. THIS VEHICLE BRAKES FOR COWS,
Bullocks, Elephants, Monkeys,
Goats, Horses, Burros, Sheep, Pigs, Dogs, Cats, Crows,
Chickens, Peacocks & Water Buffalo
...but not pedestrians.

5. JESUS SAVES,
but HANUMAN SEVAS

6. BORN AGAIN HINDU -
and again and again and again...

7. WWRD-
What Would Rama Do?

8. NETAJI LIVES

9. MY OTHER CAR IS A RICKSHAW

-the following available only in South India:
10. WAKE UP AND SMELL THE SAMBAR

11. BRAKES ILLAI

...and for our newly opened Afghani branch, maybe London too:
12. NO TAILGATING -
I'm a suicide bomber

The 7 Habits of Highly Indian People

India-Are You Experienced?

As many of you know, I am in the process of applying for an Indian Residential Permit. In the good old days, it was just a matter of the right baksheesh to the right peon at the right time, but when I arrived at the Embassy I was asked to take the following multiple choice quiz:
______________________
I. Sensitivity Training
1. Someone wanders into your place of business asking directions to the nearest internet facility. After staring at them a suitable period of time, just to show them who’s in charge here, you respond:
a-"Just across the street, three doors down, can't miss it."
b-"Opposite, eenternet you will get it."
c-"You-Are-From!” (no question mark)

2. The correct plural of "footwear" is
a-Trick question; "footwear" is already plural
b-"footware"
c-"footwears"

3. You answer the telephone by exclaiming:
a-“Hello?”
b-“May I help you?”
c-“TELL me!”
d-all of the above in rapid succession

4. The phrase “No problem” means:
a-"There’s a problem"
b-"I don’t speak English"
c-"I do speak English, but I’m not listening to a word you say"
d-"You are going to be overcharged"
e-Quite possibly, all of the above

5. Match the communication with the vocalization.
a."You disgust and/or exasperate me".................................
b."I am listening and I understand" (North India)..................
c."I'm just clearing my throat"........................
d. "I am listening and I understand" (South India).................
e. "I really enjoyed my meal"..............................
-----Match with:
1. "chere, chere"..............................
2. Impatient clucking sound..............................
3. Excoriating round of throat-clearing, hacking, and nose-blowing,
which in Western countries would solicit the Heimlich maneuver from bystanders..............................
4. "Accha, accha"..............................
5. A wide-open resounding belch...................

II. Cultural Diversity
6. As a foreigner, you know not to drink local water. However, you attend a puja at a temple and are offered holy water. The correct response is to:
a-ask with a straight face, “Is this mineral water, or filtered?”
b-Pretend to sip it, then smear it on top of your hair while mumbling a mantra
c-Slurp it down with gusto – how can holy water possibly hurt you?

7. In India, it is traditional to sit with legs folded, concealing one’s feet.
The little-known reason behind this custom is:
a-It awakens your Kundalini
b-It is considered disrespectful to sit with feet pointed towards others
c-Otherwise, the mosquitoes will bite the hell out of them

8. One advantage of Pondicherry's hot, tropical climate is:
a-It's spiritually purifying
b-It opens your pores
c-It forces even the French to shower daily

III. Way To
9. You are "residing in" a third-floor flat.How many flights of stairs must you walk up to reach your flat?
a-two
b-three
c-You use the lift even to go down one flight; only servants take the stairs.

10. Your third-floor flat (above) is located at Second Main, Third Cross, "Old Number 52." This means it must be "New Number":

a- #17
b-#62
c-#149OldNo522ndMainRd3rdCrSt5thExt1stRightTurnAskthePCO onthecornerwhereisBrindavanNagar2ndStage...... is the "KARREKTA" address

11. You are strolling the city streets and feel the call of nature. You instinctively:
a-Wait till you get home
b-Find a shady corner
c-Head for the nearest hotel with "Park" in the name

IV. Home & Garden – One and the Same?
12. You switch on the bathroom light, step inside and are greeted by a scurrying grey-green lizard. Your response is to:
a-Scream and run for high ground
b-Call the “boy” to get rid of it
c-Greet it by name, thank it for eating the mosquitoes and ask it politely not to doo-doo on your toothbrush (like it did last week)

13. The ideal material for window drapery is:
a-Pure cotton with an ethnic block-print pattern, made by a village women’s co-operative
b-Whatever shade matches your grey-green lizard
c- Poly-plastic with lurid floral design, also suitable for use as a picnic tablecloth

14. The primary ingredient in a “green salad” is:
a-Romaine lettuce
b-Dehydrated carrot slices resembling poker chips
c-Sliced red onions the size of drink coasters

15. The ingredients for a cup of masala chai, in order of predominance, are:
a-Water, milk, tea, spices, sugar
b-Milk, water, sugar, tea, spices
c-Sugar, sugar, sugar, milk, sugar, water, spices, tea, and sugar

V. History and Current Affairs
16. Ratan Tata, Salman Khan and MGR are, respectively:
a-The sound made by a backfiring autorickshaw, a Moghul emperor, and an Indian news network
b-A small wicker ottoman, a seafood entrйe and a British sportscar
c-A steel tycoon, a Bollywood hero and a film star who rules Tamil Nadu from beyond the grave

17. While campaigning for election as Prime Minister, Sonia Gandhi was often greeted with cries of:
a- "Gandhi-ji Ki Jai!"
b- "Sonia Rocks!"
c-"Auslander Raus!!"

18. When vacationing in the Bandipur National Forest, it’s most essential to bring along:
a-Mosquito repellent
b-A letter from Delhi stating that you are not Veerappan
c-A ransom note thoughtfully written in Tamil

19. Railways minister Laloo Prasad recently created a stir with his radical proposal that:
a-Fares be lowered
b-All Railways tea be served in earthenware cups, rather than the current plastic ones
c-Perhaps the tracks could, conceivably, smell of something other than sun-baked urine.



ANSWERS:.......................................................................
section I:Question 1: A = 0 points, B = 3 pts, C = 4 pts - add 1 if you manage to ask “Your-Good-Name??”Question 2: A = 0 pts - what are you, an English teacher?, B = 2 pts, C = 3 pts and leave them at the door!!Question 3: A= 2 pts, B =1 pt - far too polite; C=3 ptsQuestion 4: A = 2 pts B = 3 pts C = 4 pts D = 5 pts

Section II, Cultural: Question 5: A = 0 pts, B = 1 pt C = 3 pts plus 1 extra point for not hesitating, 2 extra if you use only your right handQuestion 6: A = 0 pts, get your head out of Yoga Journal; B = 2 pts, C = 3 ptsQuestion 7: A=1; B=2; C=5; D=1; E=4; 2 pts for each “karrekta”

Section III: Way To: Question 8: A = 0, B = 2 pts, add one extra point for walking as slowly as possible, in the dead center of the stairs so no one can pass you; C = 4 pts and please adjust your pallu properly!Question 9: A = 3 pts, B = 3 pts, C = 3 pts; all have an equal chance at being “karrekta”

Section IV: Home & Garden: Question 10: A = 0 pts, B=1 pt, veddy good Memsahib; C=3 ptsQuestion 11: A=0 pts; B=2 pts, but you must live in Auroville; C=3 ptsQuestion 12: A=0 pts; everyone knows lettuce is only a garnish; B=2 pts; C=3 pts and add 1 extra point for serving it with a bottle of ketchup

Section V: Current Affairs
Question 13: A=0 pts, B=0 pts, C=3 pts; add 1 point if you can tell Salman Khan from Shahrukh KhanQuestion 14: A=0 pt; wrong Gandhi; B=0 pts; C=3 pts, but only if you also, in broken English, criticize her ability to speak Hindi Question 15: A=1 pt B=2 pts C=3 pts; include a ransom note written in Tamil

SCORING: 15 pts or less: Go to America. Go directly back to America. Do not pass "Go," do not collect 200 Rupees!
16-35 points: Where have you been living, in the cantonment? Your knowledge of India comes primarily from Merchant-Ivory films. Get out of the five-star resorts and take a local bus instead of a taxi once in a while.
35 points and above: Felicitations! We now pronounce you “Foreigner for life!” Well, you didn’t actually think…? I mean, you can live here for 25 years, marry the Prime Minister, raise two Indian children and speak fluent Hindi, but you’ll always be… a “foreigner.”

All the best!